Fun Home by Alison Bechdel

Sexuality and its Price:  The “Uglies”

Mom is explaining to dad the traditional way would have been to bring her whole family with her to live off her so-called husband.  Although he shows gratitude, it is contradicted by the grin and the dropping of the eye.  She even reminds him why she is entitled to live off of him by using the words, “your uglies.”  She addresses his private parts in this manner because he has used them before with her and now with someone else.  I think she would have accepted him using his “uglies” with another woman, but he was using them with another man.  This went on until his death. 

As a woman, she made a huge sacrifice for her husband and her family.  As a human being, she lost her own identity.  She was absorbed into her husband.  She lost her sense of self.  She was treated and allowed herself to be treated like a non-person.  She forgot about her own hopes and dreams.  The plans she once had for her future with her husband and family were abandoned.

His aspirations for life became the most important thoughts in their household.  She became the shell of her former self.  She was lifeless going through the motions of homemaker and mother.  I can’t even say wife because with that word comes attachment to another human being.  They were no longer attached, if in fact they ever were connected to each other.  He was surely connected, but not to her.

That’s the reason for the obsession with the home and with cleaning and everything in its place, etc.  He was purifying himself.  He needed his wife and children to put up the front of normality.  He was no more normal than Jeffrey Dommer was loving and kind.

Fun Home by Alison Bechdel

We see Alison trying to understand why her mother and father have such a distant relationship.  Dad comes into the kitchen and his body language says it all.  He is clearly distancing himself from everyone else.  After all, isn’t his family his main priority?  Unfortunately, this is the downside to his façade. 

Alison is becoming increasingly aware that there is something wrong with mom and dad’s relationship.  Alison is having difficulty understanding why this is happening.  Why can’t mom and dad show their emotions?  It is obvious to her that when dad comes in the room, the atmosphere in the room changes immediately and it is not for the better.

Alison decides to break the silence by asking her mother a question.  “When did you meet dad?”  Her mother responds, “I can’t remember.”  I think what she really wanted to say to her daughter is something like:  “I can’t recall exactly when he started to change into the person he is today.” 

Her mother feels she has lost herself in this so-called marriage.  She feels that she still must support her husband’s so-called family life.  She is also the peacemaker of the family and is constantly trying to find her own inner peace so she can keep things around her calm and peaceful.  She remains silent about her feelings.  She is unable to speak out against that which does not allow her to be free.  There is no respect for one another as people.  They seem to relate to each other as objects without feelings rather than the emotion-laden people that all human beings are. 

When really looking at the pictures in this book, it is so evident that the family is in fear of the father.  He is an abusive bully who the mother now sees clearly but doesn’t know what to do to change him back into the man she remembers (and married) or take the children and leave him.  She seems to be an empty shell of the person she once was.  She’s allowed herself to go numb rather than feel the pain he is inflicting on her and her family every single day.

Fun Home by Alison Bechdel

             This is such an odd story yet thought-provoking.  This father has kept his house immaculately clean and tidy.  He seems to be obsessed with “his” belongings.  He even gets upset when he notices a vase is inches out of place. Yet, he is abusive to his children.  Is that vase really more important to him than his children?  I think he values his things more than his family.  What a sad and hateful man.

            He has inherited his father’s funeral business.  How ironic that he doesn’t cherish life or his family.  Being surrounded by sorrow, I would think that you would cherish every minute with your family truly knowing how quickly it can all be gone.  That’s not the case with this man.  He cherishes nothing.

            What exactly is he hiding?  All of this obsessive-compulsive cleaning must be hiding something.  He is cleaning away something.  The author doesn’t allude to the fact that he is clinically obsessive-compulsive, so I have to believe that he is not.  Everything must be done in his perfect fashion.  Each room has a purpose and is not to be used for any other purpose.  The children are nothing more than his work-slaves.   He ran the home authoritatively.  His family was compelled to please him out of fear not out of respect or love.

            I think he truly hates himself not his family.  This is a house of horrors.  Every person was put in place to fulfill the father’s selfishness.  This entire life is a façade.  He was concealing his true inner desires.  At one point it mentions having sex with teenaged boys.  Is he a product of sexual abuse himself?  Is that what he is trying to hide?  Some may think he’s trying to hide the fact that he is gay.  I don’t believe so.  I believe he was abused as a child and he is running -- trying to hide from those feelings.  All of this obsessive cleaning and rearranging and controlling behavior are directly related to his own childhood being so far out of control.  He is trying to clean away his past.

   

In The Time of the Butterflies, by Julia Alvarez

I believe Trujillo needed to kill the Mirabal sisters because he could not bear the fact that no matter what he did he could not get away from the Mirabal shadow that was cast over him.  He could not kill them in prison because that would have caused too much attention and that was the last thing he needed or wanted.  When this so-called accident occurred, three of the Mirabal sisters instantly became martyrs.  

I think that during the Trujillo reign these girls were victims first.  Then they decided to make their own choices as to how they wanted to help the cause.  Little did they know that they would have to give up so much.  I also believe they became a symbol of hope, justice and a beacon of light to those who had no hope.  All of this created the legend of the Mirabal sisters.

I also believe the men were spared because Trujillo was using them like pawns in a chess game.  By keeping them away from their wives, they all had other things on their minds like seeing each other while in prison.  Trujillo was able to control the Mirabal sisters by using his powers to keep the husbands away from their families especially the wives.  This reinforced to everyone just how powerful Trujillo was.   

Once their purpose was fulfilled, they were released from prison.  Unfortunately, Manolo passed away a few years after being released.  Pedrito got his land back but lost himself in the process.  Leonardo left the political arena and went into building buildings in the capital.  (How ironic is that – he was building buildings in the same capitol he was trying to remove the power from the dictator.)  He was also very successful.  Clearly, it was unnecessary to kill the men because the weight on their souls would be much more than any one person could bear.  Plus, they already had outlived their purpose.  They truly had little or nothing to go back for.

Let’s think about this for a moment.  We have been so consumed by the story of the Mirabal sisters that we have forgotten what these men have been through and what they gave up.  Even if they knew what they were getting into, would you, as a parent, give up your entire life to something else other than your own children?  These are just a few crosses these men had to bear for the rest of their lives.

In The Time of the Butterflies, by Julia Alvarez

My time line begins on p. 8.  On this page we have the whole family together gathered outside the home.  My focus is on Maria Teresa.  She is the youngest of four daughters and dad’s last attempt to have the son he always wanted.  Clearly, he was unsuccessful.  

Some time had passed and dad was enjoying his casual drink.  Everybody was listening to the stories and knowledge that he was talking about.  Then he began to tell the so-called future of his girls.  When it came to Maria Teresa, he says, “You are going to make every man’s mouth water.”  (p. 8) unfortunately, being the youngest one, she was still gullible.  She even believed in a board game that used a piece of glass which you would move to get an answer to a question. Everyone laughed at her.  She pouted in front of everyone.  That’s when everybody remembered she was still the baby in the family.  She did not enjoy it when people made fun of her nor did she appreciate when no one understood how sensitive she was.

1945 to 1946:  This little book belongs to Maria Teresa. (p. 30) it was her first day at the Immaculate Conception Saint’s Day of our school.  Minerva gave her a book to write in. Minerva said, “This is where you can write what you have to say.  Then you can use it to reflect on.  It will help you with your reflection and deepen your soul.”

Sunday, December 9:  Maria Teresa is unable to write anything in her book.  But, her new shoes make her feel like a mature young woman.  All her family members are there to see her make her first Communion except her father who is too busy attending the cocoa harvest.

            December 12:  Maria wrote that it is too hard to write in school.  It seems there is not enough time to write in her book.  Also, two of the other girls have made it a game to grab her book and giggle to themselves about its contents.  Maria does not like that at all nor does she like it when they laugh at her.

Feast Day of Santa Lucia:  Maria has been asked to play the part of Santa Lucia and she gets to wear her First Communion clothes again.

December 15:  Maria asks herself what is a soul?  Using her imagination, she places the effects of the soul onto the flesh.  She is still not sure as to what the soul is so she goes and speaks to Minerva to get a better understanding.  Minerva says, “It’s a deep longing in you that you can never fill up, no matter how hard you try.”  Minerva also compares it to poems and brave heroes who die for what they believe in.  Maria says, “I have to have that feeling inside.” Minerva responds, “That’s not the same thing.”

 December 16:  Maria feels that she is very mature for her age.  She has comforted herself by telling herself that she is here with Minerva and her little book to write in.  One of her sentences was “I’d rather be here than at home.”

December 20:  Maria and Minerva go home for the holidays.  Her longing is not for God but rather those people around her and her personal things like her room and rabbits.  She especially misses her abbreviated name “Mate” which has become part of her identity.

December 23:  Maria and Minerva are finally on their way home to the farm.  Minerva explains “the facts of life” to Maria.  A young man shows Minerva some attention and Minerva doesn’t give him the time of day.

December 24:  Maria’s soul just wants to have fun.  She’s in the convent and she is beginning to realize that she doesn’t have the calling to become a nun.  She then resolves not to scare Nelson with her ghost stories any more or play the dark passages game with Patria.   She makes a list of her personal resolves for 1946.

1953:  Maria feels like dying.  She is disappointed and upset that the other girls attended their father’s funeral.  Maria continues to write in her diary that Minerva gave her.  It makes her feel better to get things off her chest.  She has terrible nightmares regarding her father and her own wedding.  She sees Fela, a fortune-teller, to find the meaning of her nightmares.  She is told to put whatever anger or frustrations she is feeling on a piece of paper and burn it.

 1954:  She has kissed Berto on the lips.  She feels guilty, ashamed, horrified and disgusted.  She is supposed to be the religious one – waiting for her calling.  She is being taken by the flesh.  She explains to Minerva what happened and Minerva tells her that she is still too far behind.  By the end of the year, Maria must decide whether she wants to marry Berto or Raul.  She decides neither.  She begins to read the gossip columns. 

1955:  Maria is very sad because Minerva moved out of the home.

1956:  Maria must give a speech to the University because she was selected Miss University for the coming year.  She pays great tribute to Eljef Rafael Leonidas Trujillo.

1957:  She must finish her degree on her own.  She goes back home.  She has feelings of sadness and loneliness because she has not found her true love yet.  Minerva and Manolo drive with Maria in the backseat.  They are speaking quietly in the front seat making Maria feel very uncomfortable.  After some time, they stop at a small shack where the other family lives.  Minerva moves into the “other family’s” house.  Minerva and Manolo are revolutionaries.  She joins the revolution and she knows that sacrifices must be made for the revolution.

1960:  Maria and Minerva are arrested and jailed for their participation in the revolution.  While she is in jail, she begins to understand that the sacrifices that need to be made are due to her wants and desires postponed.  While in this reflective moment, she realizes that she has experienced more pain and suffering, coupled with hope and inspiration, in the past seven months while imprisoned.  She even gave up the opportunity to leave prison.  Minerva convinced Maria not to take the offered pardon.

In the Time of the Butterflies by Julia Alvarez

                First, let me just say that I am thoroughly enjoying this book.  Julia Alvarez is a great story-teller.  She deserves the accolades she has received.

                I was touched by the conversation Patria Mercedes had with her husband after he yelled at her for the first time in their 18-year marriage.  “You crazy, mujer, to invite them into the house!  You want your sons to lose their partrimony, is that what you want?”  He had never spoken to his wife like this before and, although she was taken aback by his tirade, it did not sway her feelings about the people of the revolution.  She kept seeing that young boy look at her as he took his last breath.  She needed to make her husband understand.

                “If you had seen what I saw on that mountain.  Ay, Pedrito, how can we be true Christians and turn our back on our brothers and sisters – “ He interrupted her and once again raised his voice at her, “Your first responsibility is to your children, your husband, and your home!”  He was so angry with her.  She knew and understood his anger but her own anger was growing.  He believed in what the revolutionaries were doing.  His fear was obvious to her but she couldn’t stop.  She was angry, too.  She was angry at what was going on around them; she was angry at the senseless deaths around them; she was angry at the senseless death of the young boy on the mountain.  She couldn’t just turn away and she knew he couldn’t either.

                She lashed out at him.   She blurted out in a way she didn’t want to tell him and explain to him but only to hurt him that their first born son had already joined the underground with his uncles.  “It’s him you’ll be throwing to the SIM!”  That did it for Pedrito.  He was broken.  She had hurt him very deeply and she knew it.  At that very moment he knew he had no choice but to risk everything generations before him had worked for and help the revolution.  He knew she was right and he respected her convictions, even admired her strength, determination and bravery.       

In The Time of the Butterflies, by Julia Alvarez Chapter 6 – Minerva, 1949

Minerva was looking to fulfill her own ambitions and goals.  She always wanted to go to Law school.  One of the biggest challenges was her father who insisted that she stay home and tend to the store.  But Minerva was thinking to herself that she wanted to become more and she felt she was ready for it.  This feeling of independence was being fueled by Lio and his telling her of true stories of what was happening to the people around them.  Any woman who considered education would have been looked down upon.  Unfortunately the town was being run by a tyrant ruler who had little or no regard for women.

As part of his ruling, he expected all other males to think the same regarding the females in there lives.  Minerva began to question such rulings and soon it began to weigh heavily on her.  Why can’t we be free or equal to men?  Is it really like this?  Slowly the truth was sinking in as to what her role was to be.

While driving on the family property going down the side road, she noticed a family house.  As she drove by the house in the family Ford, four children ran up to the car flailing their hands and yelling the words “mints.”  This went on each time Minerva drove by this house.  On one particular day, Minerva decided to pull over.  Little did she know some of those stories she heard were about to come true.

These four children were caught off guard when they saw a woman in this car.   Apparently, the person they were expecting to see behind the wheel was not this woman.  Clearly Minerva was very surprised to see the “Mirabal eyes” in someone else.  She thought to herself, aren’t we the only ones?  When the children noticed it was not who they were expecting, they became very reserved in their actions.  Even though they kept their distance, they were close enough to be asked certain questions.

Minerva’s world is spinning out of control and she can’t stop it.  We can only imagine how shocked she must have been to see her own eyes in another person.  Minerva asked them “do you have a father?”  Even though no one answered her, she already knew the answer.  She was trying to digest the fact hers was not the only Mirabal family.   But still she had to ask that one nagging question “do you have a brother?”(p. 86) One of the children responded, “mommy says daddy not going to get the son he always wanted.” (p. 86)

Soon after, the mother came out and scolded the children to get inside the house.  She looked at Minerva and lowered her head giving Minerva the sense that she was ashamed for any actions or rumors that may have hurt the family name because of her.  All Minerva could do was to extend her hand as a sign of friendship.  

After some time had passed, Minerva, angry and confused, confronted her father   about his “other” family.  His response was, “Things a man does.” (p. 92)  I believe that because it’s a masculine culture, the father wanted desperately to have a son.  As it was mentioned before, women had two purposes in this culture.  Minerva’s father knew this and he took full advantage of it.  Clearly his current wife could not give him what truly desired, so he went out looking for it.  Apparently, he did not succeed there either.

It is clear to me that he was looking at his own personal interests only.  Little did he know that his past and his future would collide, exposing him as the man he truly is.  All this happened in front of Minerva because she was his little princess.  This eye-awakening moment was just what Minerva needed to convince herself that she needed to take charge of her own life.   Minerva became very independent by standing up to her father for what she believed in. She also stood up for all women, especially her mother who truly was the strong one in the family.  

This also provided her with the understanding that she needed to do more for her other family rather than thinking about herself.  She is willing to put her dreams and goals aside.  She has grown from a young lady into a woman.  She will carry the dark secrets; she will be the peacemaker; and, she will be the one who will make the greatest sacrifices for the greater good.  Now she understands fairy tales are nothing but fairy tales.

I Am An Emotional Creature by Eve Ensler

            “About one in three high school students have been or will be involved in an abusive relationship.”  p. 70.  One in three high school students -- are the statistics really that high?   We educate our children about right and wrong behavior.  We tell them that no one, absolutely no one, is allowed to hit them.  How can one out of three children not get it?  They are either the hitters or the hittee, but they don’t get it.  Keep your hands to yourself.  How many times does a parent or teacher say that to a child?  So many that it amazes me that one out of three still will hit or be hit.

            As I read this letter to Rihanna on pages 71-73, again, I am astonished.  I guess that’s why I chose this passage to blog about.  This young writer is asking Rihanna how she can dump Chris because he really loves her.  Rihanna is the pretty one, the talented one.  It is so hard for poor Chris to be dumped like that after he beat you. 

            He apologized in a video and put himself “out there.”  “That’s what happens after.  I mean they feel so bad.  They don’t have anyone to help them.  They don’t know how to talk.”  Who has brainwashed this girl?  She has the mentality that it’s okay to take the beating because “they feel so bad” afterwards.  She thinks this behavior is love!  Pain and hurt is not love.  It is just that – pain and hurt.  It is heinous and disgusting, certainly in no way love.

            She goes on to say that her mother hates Brad (writer’s boyfriend) because she is judging him on this one aspect of his personality.  That would be enough for me as a father.  Brad has this young girl believing that somehow she deserves this treatment because she’s not perfect either.  She feels that Rihanna deserved the beating she got from Chris because she threw his keys and made him angry.  She made him feel bad about himself and that’s why he hit her.

            That’s the way this young girl was raised – with a father that said someone was always asking for it.  Yet seeing sadness in her father’s face and seeing sadness in Brad’s face bothers her so much that she feels they are justified in hitting her.

            I know in today’s society there isn’t the respect given to women they once enjoyed.  But what are parents teaching their children about self-respect.  You can’t respect yourself as the abused or the abuser.  If the parents aren’t educating these children, what about the school system?  I agree that too much is being passed off to the schools, but these are life and death issues.  I don’t believe it would be necessary to have a full term of domestic violence training; however, a guest speaker twice a year, every year, to talk with the high school students about both ends of this spectrum is a good place to start.  No one living in this country in the year 2011 should even remotely feel that it is okay to give or to take the beating.  Something needs to change if this is truly how our young people are feeling.

I am an Emotional Creature by Eve Ensler

My focus is on “Bad Boys” on pages 18-20.  This story seems to be more open to our interpretations.  I believe it’s not true that boys can express themselves easily.  Our pains and heartaches are there.  Unfortunately we are told not to show them or to express them in any way.  I believe it is a societal thing.  

Is there really a difference in how two teenagers feel?  What would be the difference in the emotions between the girl who was never asked out or the boy in the wheelchair who could not walk up to the same girl to ask her out?  Both these young adults would have the same emotions.  The girl would be able to express her emotions to her friends and/or family.  This young man would probably hold his emotions buried deep within himself.  We’ve all been there -- the “could- have-beens or should-have-beens.”  

If we were to look at this situation from a legal perspective, we would probably say that this boy is not conforming to the rules and needs to be punished accordingly.  From a psychological perspective, this boy needs to behave more appropriately.  From a parent’s perspective, he is just acting out and he is mad.  

I believe, in this case, his mother is trying to adjust herself physically, emotionally and financially to their new life.  This so called “Bad Boy” apparently came from a well-established home.  He had friends that accepted him for who he was even though he was not the most handsome boy around.  “He is not the most handsome boy.” p. 20.  He probably had his bedroom arranged just the way he wanted with all the things that boys put on their walls to make it part of their identity.  He created a “safe haven” for himself and his friends. 

Now all of that has been turned upside down.  He lives in an apartment with his mother.  It is a small apartment.  He feels confined.  This “Bad Boy” is having a difficult time accepting what has happened to him and his home.  The image he created of mom and dad together has been destroyed.  He is very angry at dad for leaving him and his mother in the small apartment he doesn’t want to call home.  Now they have to struggle to fend for themselves.  He couldn’t go to the school counselor or his friends. 

When he talks at the end about being “angry at his father for leaving his mother” and “this stupid place where they are living,” (p. 20) I believe it would be very difficult for him to find the right resources to show these strong emotions.  He needs to confide in someone.  He needs a safe place to empty his frustrations.  This teenager is not a “bad boy.”  He is simply a boy trying to get through adolescence and his parent’s divorce and his having to move, leave his friends, start a new school and make new friends.  That’s a lot to ask of a young teenager.